it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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