I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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