I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
