I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
