my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
