i'm signing you up for texting rehab
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
