I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
