I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
