I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
