Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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