some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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