I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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