i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
