i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
