I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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