i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I touched a dick in church today
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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