i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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