I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
