Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
