I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
