the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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