i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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