watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
