sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
