It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
we should paint friendship bongs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
