Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
