Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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