I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
