margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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