i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
