Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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