I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
