Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
