I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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