is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
