Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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