Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
