i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
