The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
