the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
