I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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