I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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