I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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