Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
