If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
