Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
