I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
