I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
