And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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