That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
